I can’t. It’s something we don’t say enough.
Blasphemous. *smile* I know, some of you are thinking it, but hear me out. (Dad, don’t worry, I’m not depressed.)
About an hour ago, I was in my car driving and I just felt… overwhelmed. Information, deadlines, expectations, success… It’s a lot to think about when it all hits at once. Sometimes I get this feeling that I just want to go hide in a corner and cry. Why? Why do I feel like this? I don’t want to feel like this…
Ironically, it all started this morning as I was reading, writing, and praying (which for me, all seem to blend together). One thing that was on my heart that I was conversing with God about was having a spirit of excellence for lack of better words. Honestly, that term, for some reason, makes me cringe. Maybe it’s because I think of old mean people–not that all old people are mean, or that all mean people old. I don’t know. But anyway, as I was sitting and thinking and praying, I felt like God just started showing me that if I want to be successful later on in life, I need to be successful now. And if I want to be successful at all, I have to be faithful with what I have in front of me because if I don’t learn to be faithful with what I have, I won’t be faithful with bigger things–and MAN do I want bigger things! (Like, you have no idea how big I dream.) This was something that I feel like He really taught me a few years ago, but somehow I’ve started to drift from this. I want to be faithful in the little things so that I will be trusted with bigger things.
So I started thinking about all that’s going on in life now. Sometimes I get frustrated with the way things are turning out and I feel this little bad attitude start to develop, which, I know, never happens to you. I really don’t like it and I don’t want it. I hate it and I hate the way it feels, but nonetheless, I still get frustrated when I get overwhelmed and when I get overwhelmed *inhale* … I lash out. It may not even get to the point that it’s evident to other people (though I’m sure it makes a difference), but it still feels crappy and who wants to feel like that?
My mind was beginning to race with responsibilities and decisions that need to be made and future and possibilities and… *sigh* Too much. Do you ever just feel like you’re failing. For me, even the thought of failing terrifies me. As I pulled up to my apartment, I knew only one thing: I needed to find a quiet place to be alone to pour out my heart. I needed to talk to God. Someone said it perfectly in Kid’s Church this morning. In a nutshell, you feel better when you talk to God about the things that are getting you down even if it’s just the fact that someone is listening. I needed someone to listen. And He did. So I talked and talked to Him. Mostly just Ugh, why do I feel like this? I really don’t want to feel like this, but I don’t know how to change this feeling. I feel like sometimes life is asking for more than I am able to give and I don’t know what to do and it’s just overwhelming and I don’t like it. Holy Spirit, help me change. Then the heart of it all, I feel like I just can’t do it–
I stopped, shocked at my own confession. And then… Then it hit me hard. I can’t do it on my own. I can’t. Suddenly, I felt better–like that weight wasn’t so heavy anymore. The best part is, I don’t have to do it on my own! I was never expected to do it all on my own. I’m not alone even though I may feel like I am at times… I’m not. It was like I was picked up and swept up from the burdens of life.
Life didn’t change, but I felt different.
Acknowledging my helplessness without God helps me to understand how much I need Him. And I love that. I love being dependent on Him because I know that He is a faithful father and protector and provider and He doesn’t let me down. It frees me from feeling like I have to do it all on my own. Life is just better that way if you ask me.
-Rebekah
The Journey 