A lot has been changing lately and it is truly an incredible and refreshing season to be in. New. Fresh. Alive. That’s how I feel. God is changing me and it’s amazing. I feel as if there have been things in my life that I’ve known about and things that I wanted to change, but I didn’t know how. And I told God that. But He has His perfect timing for everything. Whatever the reason was for taking so long to get to this point, I’m grateful for it happening now.
For so long, I’ve worried about the future. Everything. And I’ve felt like I was missing something… Somehow I felt that I had missed the “normal” train and I was now watching friends and others who were my age, and now, years younger, getting married, having kids, staring their careers, making homes, and obtaining everything I thought we were supposed to have in life–everything I wanted to have in life. And it was hard. Painful. Somehow, I was left out of this life bubble and just watching, alone, from the outside.
But I do believe God has sovereign timing. Somehow, I knew that if I was in that season, one that I had not exactly planned, I was there for a reason, no matter how hard it was to accept. Over the past two years or so, I started to feel like a total misfit–like there was something wrong with me. But then God… When I would start to think that way, I could feel His words on my heart. “This season is good and it’s for a reason.” …even though it felt lonely, like I was the only one it it. I believed it though, and kept going. This is a good season and it’s for a reason. It was and it is true. And I feel like I have finally come into a season of breakthroughs and healing. I don’t know why it’s taken this long, but I’m so glad I hung on. Maybe the waiting was to teach me to lean in–to listen a little closer to His heart and His voice. Maybe it was to teach me that His ways are always higher. Maybe I won’t see why for a while. Whatever the reason, it was good. It is good.
Life hasn’t changed in the sense of obtaining or accomplishing any of the things that I thought I should have, but I have changed. Well, God has changed me. I couldn’t change myself. I know this because I tried. After much frustration, I came to a point when all I felt like I could say was God… Here I am. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I’m doing. And I really don’t know who I am… And that’s when would I break. After keeping everything together and bottled up for so long, I realized how much I needed Him so desperately to come into my life and change my heart. I can’t even describe exactly what happened, but two months ago, I had a beautiful moment on a Saturday morning. The weather was gorgeous so I had decided to take a walk at a nearby park. I usually listened to music, but on this particular Saturday, I decided to listen to a podcast about love and marriage (Love, Sex, and Marriage: Part 1). I laughed out loud (yes, in front of other people in the park) and then I teared up. I felt like truth was washing over every pain and every disappointment and I felt alive again. I felt new.
Things had begun to change…
Things are different now. Life hasn’t changed yet, but seasons have and man is it a beautiful one! I’m learning that God loves me. I’m loved. That’s who I am. I’m His. I’m me. And it is GOOD!